It’s not always about giving what we want to give, but what our partner wants or needs from us.
A few years ago I was assisting a couple who was very unhappy and frustrated. She stated that she had done everything she could, but he was still not satisfied. He stated that the things she was doing were not things that he wanted, but things she wanted. I asked him to give me some examples. He said that she was a very good cook and he loved her cooking. But she had never cooked him his favorite meal in 5 years. He began to name her favorite foods and how she liked them prepared at different restaurants. It got quite funny and she had to laugh as well! He knew in great detail exactly what she wanted. She was very particular in what she wanted and the way she wanted it. Then it got sad because she didn’t know what his favorite food was. I asked him had he ever revealed what it was to her and he said on a few occasions. The things that she would cook for were things that she loved to cook and eat, but it wasn’t something for him. As we continued to talk, the entire relationship was pretty much the same way. This was very disheartening and explained why they both were unhappy. She felt like she could not please him and he felt as though she didn’t love him enough to please anyone but herself.
What type of atmosphere do you want in your relationship?
A healthy relationship will be mutually beneficial for both parties. Of course, this must be within our capability to do so. Love is giving! It’s giving of time, effort, finances, etc. Love is selflessness. Being selfless is when we are more concerned about the other person’s needs, wants, and well-being over our own. If you are a loving and nurturing parent you understand this very well. Some people get into relationships to get what they can get, instead of what they can give. This is a selfish mentality to have! And this will cause a lot of conflict and heartache in a relationship. Are there times when we need to be selfish in a relationship? Of course! Sometimes we need to do things and/or take out time for ourselves to be healthy enough to give to someone else. And there are times when we need to hold back to bring about a change in a negative situation. Your partner is not a mind-reader. So, holding back your giving without expressing your reasoning for doing so, will not help your cause much. A puzzling thing about a person with a selfish mentality is that they generally have high expectations of their partners. They want 100% from you but have no intentions of doing the same in return. You must be ready to give.
Sometimes in a relationship, things are not equal. Our capabilities are different. Or it is different at a particular time for some reason or another. But if a person is giving 100% effort doing all they can do at the time… that’s fair. My son and I would go to the grocery store when he was a lot younger. He would try to carry as many bags as I did, but he was not capable of doing that at the time. I would let him carry as much as he could carry for his size and that was fair. Not equal, but fair. Your partner will know how much you love them by the amount of effort you put forth into placing a smile on their face too!
Have you ever felt like you gave much more than you received?